Dad certainly had problems with clothing. He once came home from the bowling alley with the bowling shoes still on! He claimed they were just so comfortable he hadn't noticed until he went to take them off that night!
He was heading to the temple once and had his shirt and tie on, he'd shaved, put on his black socks leg brace and church shoes, he'd gathered his temple bag and recommend and made his way to the front door when luckily somebody (probly Mom) stopped him and asked if he was missing anything.... LIKE PANTS! Seriously!
Another time he was complaining about difficulty getting his pants off going to the bathroom only to realize he had two belts on. How do you even do that?
He loved to wear the same three or four sweaters over and over with that dirty old Browning hat which was half sun-bleached and half preserved from sitting on his dashboard. I once gifted him a huge University of Utah sweatshirt despite his hatred for the U because I knew he'd wear it anyway! Sure enough he wore it til his dying day.
The old man has showed up to with one church shoe and one sneaker, different colored socks and possibly worse of all.... the dreaded pickle pants.
But my favorite dad story having to do with clothing is how he'd always wander around with just his garments on even when strangers or visitors were home. Mom writes this one to us when we were on our missions:
" Well I best be going. What's that you say? Just one crazy dad story? Okay, if you insist. I have time for just one crazy dad story. I swear your father is getting loonier by the minute. The other night he came walking out in his garments. Surprise, surprise huh. Not like that is something he did before.... huh? Anyway, he is still strutting around in his underwear but does it all the time in front of Michelle and her friends. So long story short I looked down at him and though Hmmmm something doesn't look right. Actually his garments seemed a little more sheer than usual and then I realized that he had his garments on backwards. I said "Dear, why are your garments on backwards??" He looked down and with a surprised look said "No wonder I have had a such a hard time going to the bathroom all day! I could never find the opening!" Let me tell you, never a dull moment!"
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
pants you like a turtle!
more famous words were never said! Here's the story as told by Mom:
"He is still as entertaining as ever. The other night he and David were going at each other as usual. (just teasing each other nothing serious) David made some idle threat to Dad and Dad came back with "Oh yeah?, well I'll pants you like a turtle!!"We had to pick Deedle up off the floor he was laughing so hard. It totally disarmed him! It has become our new favorite saying around here."
"He is still as entertaining as ever. The other night he and David were going at each other as usual. (just teasing each other nothing serious) David made some idle threat to Dad and Dad came back with "Oh yeah?, well I'll pants you like a turtle!!"We had to pick Deedle up off the floor he was laughing so hard. It totally disarmed him! It has become our new favorite saying around here."
practical jokes
Possible Dad's favorite thing ever would be practical jokes. He lived to trick people. Take this letter I got for example. It caused all sorts trouble when I responded to it believing his lie!
"Hello Elder Sparks,
I miss you face. They are still trying to kill me here. Almost daily. I fthey would leave me alone I'd probably get it done myself. Ha Ha! We loved you letter. Aint you glad you did this? You did it all on your own. HOT GOSSIP!! I caught Michelle making out with Paul Perkins! YUK! Ugly red headed grand babies! ..."
It seriously took weeks for people to realize it was one of dad's pranks.
My favorite prank he ever pulled though was when he was really sick and had been in the hospital. He had just gotten back and Mom's friends and family hadn't heard exactly what happened, only something about Bill needing to go to the hospital and it being serious. He saw all their questions and concerns in Mom's email. So what does he do? Put their hearts at ease and let them know he was gonna be OK?
no no no, not my dad. He instead replies to EVERYONE who already were fearing the worst "Please send flowers! This has all happened so fast!"
Everyone was convinced the old man had actually died! One person called and when Dad answered she thought that it was my mom's parents there consoling her so she immediately hung up and freaked out even more!
Dad was a jokester alright. He often ended his letters to me with "The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated"
Dave Libhard shared this hilarious story with me on my mission:
"Your dad has stories like this one... He was the best missionary I ever taught. And I taught missionaries for 8 years while I was in Provo. I probably taught more missionaries than anyone else in the history of the church (Pride goeth before the fall, so I'll stop here but you get the idea) I really don't know how he did it. Seems like ever time he wrote to me he was putting on the whites to go get somebody wet-- and that was Southern Germany, land of the hard hearts. I don't think Bill ever understood that German-speaking missionaries were "special"-- they were to go knock on doors and plant seeds, but not baptize. As usual, your pa did things his way-- he just loved everyone and then baptized their heinies. What a dude... He was incredible. At one point I thought he was copying names off the headstones of dead folk in the cemeteries so he could claim he had baptized them and then they died. He's not above that kind of thing you know. And the mission pres loved him... "Elder Sparks this; Elder Sparks that" He was the kind of missionary you got tired of hearing about. The mission president's Liebling... can you guess what that means??? ...
... Bill is always playing pranks on me. Is this another one of his pranks (refering to Alicia being in such a cushy mission). Are you like a cheerleader for real missionaries? One time... and this must have lasted about a year... I would get messages on my answering machine from "Special Agent Halversen" Get this: I'd come home from work, and I'd play my messages and I'd hear something like this: "Yes Mr. Libbert [he'd purposely mispronounce my name], this is Special Agent Halversen. We need to talk. I'll be in touch. " Click. That went on for a year!! Special Agents work for the CIA! I was dying a slow death. Who was this Halversen guy? His tone was serious as death. I got really excited because I though maybe the CIA needed my help withsomething, or that maybe I could get a job as an undercover agent or something.
But ... hehehe.. I got him back. Big time. He'll never mess with me again. I'll let him explain how I dissed him"
AND we all wonder WHERE we get our practical jokes from? The master that's where.
"Hello Elder Sparks,
I miss you face. They are still trying to kill me here. Almost daily. I fthey would leave me alone I'd probably get it done myself. Ha Ha! We loved you letter. Aint you glad you did this? You did it all on your own. HOT GOSSIP!! I caught Michelle making out with Paul Perkins! YUK! Ugly red headed grand babies! ..."
It seriously took weeks for people to realize it was one of dad's pranks.
My favorite prank he ever pulled though was when he was really sick and had been in the hospital. He had just gotten back and Mom's friends and family hadn't heard exactly what happened, only something about Bill needing to go to the hospital and it being serious. He saw all their questions and concerns in Mom's email. So what does he do? Put their hearts at ease and let them know he was gonna be OK?
no no no, not my dad. He instead replies to EVERYONE who already were fearing the worst "Please send flowers! This has all happened so fast!"
Everyone was convinced the old man had actually died! One person called and when Dad answered she thought that it was my mom's parents there consoling her so she immediately hung up and freaked out even more!
Dad was a jokester alright. He often ended his letters to me with "The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated"
Dave Libhard shared this hilarious story with me on my mission:
"Your dad has stories like this one... He was the best missionary I ever taught. And I taught missionaries for 8 years while I was in Provo. I probably taught more missionaries than anyone else in the history of the church (Pride goeth before the fall, so I'll stop here but you get the idea) I really don't know how he did it. Seems like ever time he wrote to me he was putting on the whites to go get somebody wet-- and that was Southern Germany, land of the hard hearts. I don't think Bill ever understood that German-speaking missionaries were "special"-- they were to go knock on doors and plant seeds, but not baptize. As usual, your pa did things his way-- he just loved everyone and then baptized their heinies. What a dude... He was incredible. At one point I thought he was copying names off the headstones of dead folk in the cemeteries so he could claim he had baptized them and then they died. He's not above that kind of thing you know. And the mission pres loved him... "Elder Sparks this; Elder Sparks that" He was the kind of missionary you got tired of hearing about. The mission president's Liebling... can you guess what that means??? ...
... Bill is always playing pranks on me. Is this another one of his pranks (refering to Alicia being in such a cushy mission). Are you like a cheerleader for real missionaries? One time... and this must have lasted about a year... I would get messages on my answering machine from "Special Agent Halversen" Get this: I'd come home from work, and I'd play my messages and I'd hear something like this: "Yes Mr. Libbert [he'd purposely mispronounce my name], this is Special Agent Halversen. We need to talk. I'll be in touch. " Click. That went on for a year!! Special Agents work for the CIA! I was dying a slow death. Who was this Halversen guy? His tone was serious as death. I got really excited because I though maybe the CIA needed my help withsomething, or that maybe I could get a job as an undercover agent or something.
But ... hehehe.. I got him back. Big time. He'll never mess with me again. I'll let him explain how I dissed him
AND we all wonder WHERE we get our practical jokes from? The master that's where.
the desert (part 1)
Dad had an abnormal obsession with the desert. Something about the dry vast nothingness of Utah's west desert called to the old man. He always answered the call!
Mom writes about one such near death experience in this excerpt:
"It has been an interesting week. So Dad had another great adventure in the dessert and of course, "almost died.": I don't know what we are going to do with him. He is so grounded from ever going to the desert again. I was a little upset with him because he took off Friday morning instead of going to the temple with me. He didn't tell me he was going . It was our mission reunion that evening and I guess he decided he didn't feel comfortable going limping in there with gimpy leg and non functional arm. He didn't want all the attention. Boy did his plan backfire. I go to the reunion and cry in front of everyone because I am worried about him and snot sure where he is or what he is doing. Now all the missionaries are worried abut him an Pres. Busche has already called him twice to talk to him and plans on taking us out to dinner and a long chat as soon as he gets back from Germany in a month. So much for not wanting anyone's attention.
So where's your crazy father you ask? yup he headed back out to the desert. His favorite run away place. But he drove too close to the lake edge and sunk up to his axles in mud. He tried digging himself out with his one arm and his collapsible shovel but that was about as effective as swatting at flies with a toothpick.
Then he gets the brilliant idea to call for help but since his phone had no reception where he was he decided he needed to tr and hike to a nearby hill to see if he could call anyone. He hiked for about a mile and a half (no easy task especially for him on very uneven ground) and just ended up getting himself good and lost. It got dark and he couldn't even find his way back to the truck. By divine intervention I'm sure he decided to try and dial 911 even without reception. Miraculously the operator answered and he was able to quickly tell her his predicament before his battery on the phone died. The Sheriff's came looking for him. They found his truck rather quickly but then it took another couple of hours for them to find him in the middle of nowhere with no light or way to signal them. They were the same cops that had helped him when he had the encounter with the bums and they remembered him. They were kind enough to all pitch in and dig him out. I'm sure we are going to get a huge bill from "Search and Rescue." He finally arrived home at 2:00 AM. I was worried sick and to make it worse... (I won't add this part) ... Old Deedle was putting in some of his super prayers and was about to head out to the desert on inspiration alone to find him. I guess if anyone could have done it, Davie could have. He sure has a lot of faith.
Well, I gave your father a good tongue lashing and told him he was grounded from the desert for a long time and could never go out there again alone. He readily agreed an d was so happy to be home. It really wore him out. His legs just aren't that strong and he was so tired he could barely walk in to the house. I think next year he will just face the music and go to the reunion. Even Pres. Busche told him he would have been much better off coming to the reunion. "
Mom writes about one such near death experience in this excerpt:
"It has been an interesting week. So Dad had another great adventure in the dessert and of course, "almost died.": I don't know what we are going to do with him. He is so grounded from ever going to the desert again. I was a little upset with him because he took off Friday morning instead of going to the temple with me. He didn't tell me he was going . It was our mission reunion that evening and I guess he decided he didn't feel comfortable going limping in there with gimpy leg and non functional arm. He didn't want all the attention. Boy did his plan backfire. I go to the reunion and cry in front of everyone because I am worried about him and snot sure where he is or what he is doing. Now all the missionaries are worried abut him an Pres. Busche has already called him twice to talk to him and plans on taking us out to dinner and a long chat as soon as he gets back from Germany in a month. So much for not wanting anyone's attention.
So where's your crazy father you ask? yup he headed back out to the desert. His favorite run away place. But he drove too close to the lake edge and sunk up to his axles in mud. He tried digging himself out with his one arm and his collapsible shovel but that was about as effective as swatting at flies with a toothpick.
Then he gets the brilliant idea to call for help but since his phone had no reception where he was he decided he needed to tr and hike to a nearby hill to see if he could call anyone. He hiked for about a mile and a half (no easy task especially for him on very uneven ground) and just ended up getting himself good and lost. It got dark and he couldn't even find his way back to the truck. By divine intervention I'm sure he decided to try and dial 911 even without reception. Miraculously the operator answered and he was able to quickly tell her his predicament before his battery on the phone died. The Sheriff's came looking for him. They found his truck rather quickly but then it took another couple of hours for them to find him in the middle of nowhere with no light or way to signal them. They were the same cops that had helped him when he had the encounter with the bums and they remembered him. They were kind enough to all pitch in and dig him out. I'm sure we are going to get a huge bill from "Search and Rescue." He finally arrived home at 2:00 AM. I was worried sick and to make it worse... (I won't add this part) ... Old Deedle was putting in some of his super prayers and was about to head out to the desert on inspiration alone to find him. I guess if anyone could have done it, Davie could have. He sure has a lot of faith.
Well, I gave your father a good tongue lashing and told him he was grounded from the desert for a long time and could never go out there again alone. He readily agreed an d was so happy to be home. It really wore him out. His legs just aren't that strong and he was so tired he could barely walk in to the house. I think next year he will just face the music and go to the reunion. Even Pres. Busche told him he would have been much better off coming to the reunion. "
Damn that sister Tanner!
yet another classic letter from the old man.
"Taylor,
In your letter about the circus, i.e. your branch, it took me back to Nurnberg, Germany. The oldest branch in Germany. An evil spirit hung over that city since the WWII Nazi war crimes. Elder Busche wanted to put an end to the bad spirit in the branch. He told the AP's that he wanted to send all of his "big guns", i.e. his very best missionaries to the city. Your Mom and I were considered the best of the best. We arrived in Nurnberg on the same day only a few hours apart. Satan was there waiting for us. He had many servants in this city. You could feel his evil right away.
When Mom arrived, her MTC teacher was there waiting for her with his mother. He had the hots for your Mama. He was a strange little German man that professed his love for Sister Tanner. Damn those Sister missionaries!! Always causing trouble.
I arrived a few hours later. My new comp, the illustrious Elder Bair, an Idaho spud farmer known throughout the mission as a great missionary and a great baptizer. I was excited to work with him.
When I met him at the train station the first words out of his mouth were "Did you hear? Sister Tanner is in the city with us!" He told me with slobber dripping down his chin. He went gaga immediately over that Damn Sister Tanner. He had to be transferred immediately. I hated Sister missionaries.
On Sunday I met the members. What a Zoo, we had an investigator with us and we had to sit on either side of him to protect him from the crazy members who would walk up to our investigator and proclaim that they would burn in hell if they did not accept the gospel right away.
Next, Sister Tanner's District Leader comes to me and says "I'm too love struck to do any missionary work. God told me to marry Sister Tanner!" Damn that Sister Tanner!
Another Sunday or two came and went, Sister Tanner came to us and told us that the 1st counselor in the District Presidency was hitting on her. Damn that Sister Tanner! She left the city overnight on a rail train.
They excommunicated over 400 members, including the whole District Presidency, that cleaned up that town. My comp and I were acting District Presidents.
Sister Tanner flew home with us. The brakes went out on the plane in Boston, Damn that Sister Tanner! What I'm trying to tell you is if you haven't guessed it already.
BEWARE OF THE SISTER MISSIONARY!! They are stealthy and come in all sizes. Mostly XXX size.
Mom and I can relate to you in what is going on in you zoo. Although I've never had a member bite me! Work hard Elder your time is short and it is a once in a lifetime chance to do this work. We miss you love and love you lots, our prayers are with you.
Love, Billy Willy Dinky"
"Taylor,
In your letter about the circus, i.e. your branch, it took me back to Nurnberg, Germany. The oldest branch in Germany. An evil spirit hung over that city since the WWII Nazi war crimes. Elder Busche wanted to put an end to the bad spirit in the branch. He told the AP's that he wanted to send all of his "big guns", i.e. his very best missionaries to the city. Your Mom and I were considered the best of the best. We arrived in Nurnberg on the same day only a few hours apart. Satan was there waiting for us. He had many servants in this city. You could feel his evil right away.
When Mom arrived, her MTC teacher was there waiting for her with his mother. He had the hots for your Mama. He was a strange little German man that professed his love for Sister Tanner. Damn those Sister missionaries!! Always causing trouble.
I arrived a few hours later. My new comp, the illustrious Elder Bair, an Idaho spud farmer known throughout the mission as a great missionary and a great baptizer. I was excited to work with him.
When I met him at the train station the first words out of his mouth were "Did you hear? Sister Tanner is in the city with us!" He told me with slobber dripping down his chin. He went gaga immediately over that Damn Sister Tanner. He had to be transferred immediately. I hated Sister missionaries.
On Sunday I met the members. What a Zoo, we had an investigator with us and we had to sit on either side of him to protect him from the crazy members who would walk up to our investigator and proclaim that they would burn in hell if they did not accept the gospel right away.
Next, Sister Tanner's District Leader comes to me and says "I'm too love struck to do any missionary work. God told me to marry Sister Tanner!" Damn that Sister Tanner!
Another Sunday or two came and went, Sister Tanner came to us and told us that the 1st counselor in the District Presidency was hitting on her. Damn that Sister Tanner! She left the city overnight on a rail train.
They excommunicated over 400 members, including the whole District Presidency, that cleaned up that town. My comp and I were acting District Presidents.
Sister Tanner flew home with us. The brakes went out on the plane in Boston, Damn that Sister Tanner! What I'm trying to tell you is if you haven't guessed it already.
BEWARE OF THE SISTER MISSIONARY!! They are stealthy and come in all sizes. Mostly XXX size.
Mom and I can relate to you in what is going on in you zoo. Although I've never had a member bite me! Work hard Elder your time is short and it is a once in a lifetime chance to do this work. We miss you love and love you lots, our prayers are with you.
Love, Billy Willy Dinky"
Dad's famous skateboard generosity
this letter on my mission shows how loving Dad was. He immediately acted on righteous impulses (and a few not so righteous) to show kindness to others. Here it is...
"Tay,
OOPS! Elder Sparks,
I'm writing to apologize. You'll learn what for as the story goes on. I was on my way home, I was at the top of Country Oaks. I noticed 3 kids in the road. I briefly considered greasing all 3 of them, until I noticed that one of them was the youngest Packer kid. Two of the kids had skate boards and the third didn't. He was just running behind the other two kids and pretending to have a board, poor little guy was doing his best to keep up on his make believe board.
Out of curiosity I pulled over and talked to the Packer kid. I asked him who the goofy looking kid was and why he didn't have a skate board? The packer kid answered, his daddy is real sick and they don't have any money. They goofy looking kid slowly wandered over to my truck and looked up at me with big sad puppy dog eyes. I don't know what happened next, but I found myself racing down the road as fast as I could. I felt like I had been propelled back in time to a time when I was sick, barely alive and no money, worrying where I would get money for birthday and Christmas presents. As the garage door opened I spied an old skateboard hanging on the wall.
I'm so sorry Taylor, I picked it up and sped back up the street. I pulled over to the goofy looking kid who had just finished pretending a curb grind complete with a gnarly wipe out. He wandered over to the truck looking guilty like he was going to get chewed out for skateboarding at Albertsons. I handed him the skateboard and his eyes lit up. He looked at me queasidly, I told him about a famous boarder named Taylor David Sparks who was on a mission in Argentina and he would want you to have this, I continued on that this board had super natural powers and he would soon be the best boarder in Utah. I saw glee and delight in his eyes as he slowly reached up and took the board from my hands. He then said thanks Brother Sparks and please thank Elder Sparks for me. I t was the best thing I've done in a long time. I owe you a new board when you get home Taylor.
Love,
Dad"
"Tay,
OOPS! Elder Sparks,
I'm writing to apologize. You'll learn what for as the story goes on. I was on my way home, I was at the top of Country Oaks. I noticed 3 kids in the road. I briefly considered greasing all 3 of them, until I noticed that one of them was the youngest Packer kid. Two of the kids had skate boards and the third didn't. He was just running behind the other two kids and pretending to have a board, poor little guy was doing his best to keep up on his make believe board.
Out of curiosity I pulled over and talked to the Packer kid. I asked him who the goofy looking kid was and why he didn't have a skate board? The packer kid answered, his daddy is real sick and they don't have any money. They goofy looking kid slowly wandered over to my truck and looked up at me with big sad puppy dog eyes. I don't know what happened next, but I found myself racing down the road as fast as I could. I felt like I had been propelled back in time to a time when I was sick, barely alive and no money, worrying where I would get money for birthday and Christmas presents. As the garage door opened I spied an old skateboard hanging on the wall.
I'm so sorry Taylor, I picked it up and sped back up the street. I pulled over to the goofy looking kid who had just finished pretending a curb grind complete with a gnarly wipe out. He wandered over to the truck looking guilty like he was going to get chewed out for skateboarding at Albertsons. I handed him the skateboard and his eyes lit up. He looked at me queasidly, I told him about a famous boarder named Taylor David Sparks who was on a mission in Argentina and he would want you to have this, I continued on that this board had super natural powers and he would soon be the best boarder in Utah. I saw glee and delight in his eyes as he slowly reached up and took the board from my hands. He then said thanks Brother Sparks and please thank Elder Sparks for me. I t was the best thing I've done in a long time. I owe you a new board when you get home Taylor.
Love,
Dad"
another funny letter
Another of my favorites...
"Dear Elders and Elerettes,
Taylor, did yo get beaten up again this week?
Michelle, how about those mud slides?
Ali, how's the tan coming along?
Taylor, I got a letter from Andy this week. He was verbally abusive as usual and expressed his undying love for you. He will be a good missionary. By now you have met intellectuals that just want to argue with you, Andy will give those types a run for their money.
As you know, your big sister will be home soon, she gets all your old stuff. Time goes by so fast when you are serving the Lord, Although there are sometimes days and weeks that last forever. We have all experienced those times. Be valiant young ones. These times make the good times even sweeter. It is always so much fun for us to tell people that you 3 are all out at the same time, by the time I add th stroke story, they are crying and reaching for their wallets. I could do this professionally if you guys would agree to stay out longer.
Mom is kicking me out of the house and rushing me back to work. I can't use my fingers well enough yet to button my pants. I don't think that's going to go over well at work when I ask co-workers to button me up. Maybe I'll stay with panhanding the old people in the ward... By the way I have developed relationships in the ward with the older folks. Old folks have had strokes and they like to share stories with me. I has given me empathy for senior members of the ward. I have been mouth kissed by several of them. It's not bad until they start usingthetongue. Generally it's not too bad, but old people have a tendency to use too much slobber. You get used to it.
Michelle, Mark Iverson asked for your address Sunday. I gave it to him, I like him, he doesn't use too much slobber, but you would know this already Miss Hot lips. We haven't seen much of letterJ since "the potential boyfriend endurance trial" when I met him at the front door with a shotgun and told him his first test was to make it back to his car before the buckshot. Strangest thing, he hasn't come back.
We look forward to enjoying your wonderful spirits. Work hard and keep all of the rules and BAPTIZE!
Love
Dad"
"Dear Elders and Elerettes,
Taylor, did yo get beaten up again this week?
Michelle, how about those mud slides?
Ali, how's the tan coming along?
Taylor, I got a letter from Andy this week. He was verbally abusive as usual and expressed his undying love for you. He will be a good missionary. By now you have met intellectuals that just want to argue with you, Andy will give those types a run for their money.
As you know, your big sister will be home soon, she gets all your old stuff. Time goes by so fast when you are serving the Lord, Although there are sometimes days and weeks that last forever. We have all experienced those times. Be valiant young ones. These times make the good times even sweeter. It is always so much fun for us to tell people that you 3 are all out at the same time, by the time I add th stroke story, they are crying and reaching for their wallets. I could do this professionally if you guys would agree to stay out longer.
Mom is kicking me out of the house and rushing me back to work. I can't use my fingers well enough yet to button my pants. I don't think that's going to go over well at work when I ask co-workers to button me up. Maybe I'll stay with panhanding the old people in the ward... By the way I have developed relationships in the ward with the older folks. Old folks have had strokes and they like to share stories with me. I has given me empathy for senior members of the ward. I have been mouth kissed by several of them. It's not bad until they start usingthetongue. Generally it's not too bad, but old people have a tendency to use too much slobber. You get used to it.
Michelle, Mark Iverson asked for your address Sunday. I gave it to him, I like him, he doesn't use too much slobber, but you would know this already Miss Hot lips. We haven't seen much of letterJ since "the potential boyfriend endurance trial" when I met him at the front door with a shotgun and told him his first test was to make it back to his car before the buckshot. Strangest thing, he hasn't come back.
We look forward to enjoying your wonderful spirits. Work hard and keep all of the rules and BAPTIZE!
Love
Dad"
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