I'll get you last my pretty! (evil cackle)

This is the epidomy of my dad and my relationship! He tricks me, I trick him back, he one ups me, I spit in his food, he pours water on me while I'm sleeping, I take advantage of my fashion consultant role in the house and tell him that he should wear one of mom's heart shirts to work and it looks good (and he did), he sells my cheerleading bumpkins to the neighbor boys......and so on.....

Some of my favorite memories of my father have to do with pranks. Afterall, I am way too much like him in this aspect. This is why we butted heads for so many years, but I think we really began to understand each other after a while.

I remember running for my life around the house one day because my dad was going to give me a swirly in the toilet. Now let me clarify what my dad's swirlies are like. They're not the "un oh look you're hanging upside down over the toilet and I'm going to flush!".......oh no! He would actually insert our heads inside the toilet bowl and let our hair swirl around as he flushed it! Are you kidding me! I was willing to run out of the house naked if I had to, to get away from his swirly wrath! So, I am running and I come to a fork in the hallway, I see our huge black dog blocking my escape route, so at the last minute I opt for the left hand turn into the kitchen and.......BAM! I run write into the corner of the wall! Oh the pain! My head immediately began to bleed and for those of you who don't know me that well, pain is not my game. It took 5 nurses or so to hold me down just to give me a tetnis shot, let alone try to stitch me up. I wouldn't allow that needle to get that close to my face, so a scar remains on my right brow in memory of the swirly chases that brought so much joy to our family!

My dad became so predictable in his latter years, but for a while there when we were growing up, he really got us good! Okay, lets be honest, that man may have been slightly predictable, but he continued to shock us until his dying day. Well, I remember how much he loved to "test" out the fire alarm(smoke detector) at our house. He would set it off early in the morning, I'm talking 5-6AM (which doesn't exist in my conscious world) and he would run through the house screaming "Fire, Fire!! Everyone out of the house!" All four kids and his unsuspecting wife would all wake up in a panic and jet for the front door. He would follow behind us and at the last minute, he would smile and slam the door in our faces and lock us out! Now remember that we were all in our pajamas, or my mother in her underwear!It would take a few exorcist voice yells from mom to get him to finally unlock the door again. Whew, how traumatic fire drills are for us now. :)

I would always dread, and I mean dread my dad coming to pick me up from school in elementary, jr. high, and especially high school. He would make a point to make it the most embarassing experience of my life. Every single time, without fail, he would park our beat up minivan in the most obvious spot right in front of the doors. He would get out of the car and when he saw us he would wave his arms frantically and act "handicapped," yelling our names and making a scene. After he made sure that he had everyone's attention, he would then hustle to hop in the van before we got there, chuckling to himself. Oh, and here is the kicker! He would start to pull away and make us chase the van. As soon as we would sprint to catch up, he would slow down and let us get almost to the door handle and then he would speed up again, roaring in laughter. Everyone around us would always be quite humored by this occasion. My friends always said they wished their parents were as funny and goofy and my dad. "Um, no you don't!" I would say. But I really seem to agree now looking back. Humor was the best medicine for any circumstance. Thank you dad for teaching me that.

So, 3 weeks before I was scheduled to leave on my mission to the Canary Islands and while Michelle and Taylor were already in the mission field, my dad decides to steal all the glory by having a huge stroke. This was the first stroke that paralyzed his left side. It was extremely difficult to watch as his ability to walk, write, eat and work were taken away from him, after he had worked so hard to gain it back after the tumor (including obtaining his bachelors degree in Engineering!) I questioned whether it was right to still go on my mission now that my family had so many burdens in front of them. I spent every single day up at the hospital with him after that stroke. It was a time I will never forget because I really got to spend time talking to my dad and getting to know him. We grew very close to one another and shared many laughs. I continued my prank-pulling to ease the severity of the challenges he faced. My favorite thing was to feed him. I would get the fork so close to his mouth and then.....oh, pull it away! I would give him a sip of his sacred coca cola and right when he could taste its heavenly glory, I would.....oh, pull it away! hahahahah Payback is so so sweet. We would take strolls in the wheelchair through the hospital. Since, he only had one functioning arm now, he could only go in circles without me. So I would push him into some old unsuspecting patient's room and leave him there. He would panic as the old person would look at him with confusion. Instead of awkwardly staring at the person, he would strike up some off-colored conversation with them until I returned to rescue him. Cute dad.

While in the hospital, he expressed his concern that I still needed to go on my mission. He said that I could be of no greater help than to share the gospel with those that needed it. That was my dad's #1 goal in life, to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with others because it had made such a difference in his own life. I knew he was right, so as difficult as it was, I took that leap of faith and left to Spain, not knowing if my father would be around when I got home. One of the first letters I got from him in the Spain MTC was this one:

What an example of humility. He was learning to write his alphabet again at age 45. He wanted to encourage me to work hard and so he let me know that he was "getting better every day" with this small gesture. I hold this piece of paper close to my heart because it represents so much of who my father was. His character lives on in each of his children. He has been my hero since I was a little girl and I will continue to honor him for the rest of my life......including the practical jokes! waa hahahahaha!

Bill Gone Merchandising

written by my Mom

"... Dad is doing better. But I am still nervous about leaving him at home, what with all the falling and everything. Last Wednesday I took him to work with me. I left him in the parking lot of K-mart while I was inside working. He fell asleep and was awakened by the sirens of an ambulance. He saw it pull up in front of the store and for some reason thought they were there for him so he got out of the car an started waving for them. Luckily after a few steps he realized he was alright and hurried and hid back in the car. I think he has become like an ambulance zombie or something.
Then this older gentlemen got out of his car next to ours and bent over next to a Ford Pick-up truck and started vomiting. Bill rolled down his window and yelled, "Yeah, Ford's do the same thing to me!!" The poor old man, who was choking stared cracking up he was laughing so hard. His wife on the other hand became very irate and told Bill he was going to kill her husband and to be quiet.
Later that day in another parking lot he saw a woman get out of her car with a baby carrier. She went around to her trunk and opened it. Bill panicked and thought she was going to put the baby in the trunk. He yelled at her not to put her baby in the trunk. Needless to say the woman became very irate and called him some very choice names. I think I have found a solution to all our money problems. I'm going to take Bill to work every day with me and then we are going to write a book called "Life in the Parking Lot." Guaranteed a best-seller. What do you think? I thought leaving him home on Thursday would be a better idea since he got in so much trouble the day before. Bad idea!..."

She then goes on to tell the story already written down under the practical jokes section about Dad's greatest prank when he emailed Mom's friends from her account telling them he had died.

How Mom and Dad fell in Love

in his own words; the most amazing love story ever...
"Hey ya Sister Sparks and Elder Sparks,
Howz my Batisn, butt bustin, early risin, long prayin daughter and son? A little bit scary when you start getting short. I know, I was once thee myself. I had a stupid sister missionary, not Sister Tanner, that started throwing parties for me the last couple weeks of my mission.

A long time ago, I can still remember when I flew home with the famous Sister Tanner. I was excited that she was in our group coming home together. We were allowed to go to the Swiss Temple for a day before coming home. We had 5 missionaries in our group. 3 Elders and 2 Sisters. When we were in a session together in the Swiss Temple, I saw an American returned missionary friend that had been a good friend to missionaries. As the pray circle began to form, I whispered in his ear that Sister Tanner really liked him. That was all it took. He was a good looking son of a gun. I though t it was a match made in heaven. The trans Atlantic fight was long. We all had to take turns talking to chatty Sister Tanner. All she could talk about was Kerry Wright, Ron Wright's brother. The girl that had been waiting for me had just sent a sterling silver bracelet that said "All my love." Sister Tanner kept telling me "metal demands metal" and that I was dead meat. That brakes went out on the plane in Boston. And we had to wait an additional 6 hour while they fixed the plane. They would not let us off the plane because of customs. Needless to say, by this time I had heard Sister Tanner's life story many times. By the time we got to Chicago we had been awake a very long time. We all had to run like crazy to catch the last planes out to different locations. We quickly exchanged addresses, bid a hasty farewell and that was that. When I got to LAX it fogged in and we had to fly to Edwards Air Force Base and take a bus to LAX. The bus got a flat tire on the way to LAX. It was 4 AM when I finally saw my family. I got home, slept for 2 hours and got up and went to church. I was wasted, which wasn't the look I was going for, my ward had seen me wasted before. They asked me to give the opening prayer and I did it in German accidentally. I immediately entered the meat market as a newly returned RM. As you well know, chicks dig me. There was Leslie, Lori, Lynn and Linda.
Two months after I came home, one day after work my mom said that Sister Tanner had called ans was coming to sunny Cal. I thought she had a lot of gall to come and visit me with her new husband. I called her back and much to my surprise she wasn't married yet. She was coming to Cal with some girl friends and wanted to cash in a coupon I gave her to go surfing and deep sea fishing on my dad's boat.
2 weeks later, Mom, Trudi, Janet Van der Graf (Bacon's mom) were in sunny Cal. I picked them all up from the Disneyland hotel, and we headed down to the ocean. When we got out of the marina, they all stripped down into their bathing suits. These were fine women. I glanced briefly at your Mom and was overcome with guilt because that was Sister Tanner I was looking at. And holy moly I didn't have any idea that Sister Tanner looked that good in a bathing suit. I took them out into the harbor to look at some of the huge boats like the Queen Mary. Suddenly all of Mom's friends wanted to go lay on the beach. I thought, "fur rude!" It's very difficult to get an ocean boat to the beach. I navigated that boat up to rocky break water and the 3 of them jumped out leaving me alone with Sister Tanner in a swim suit. I anchored off shore and talked for a long time about how much we missed the mission field and President Busche. She told me how things had not worked out with Kerry and I told her how Leslie was cold hamburger. A couple of hours later we picked up the girls from the beach and headed over to my favorite surfing spot. I anchored the boat and jumped into the water with my surfboard hoping for the chance to show off my surfing skills. I paddled out into the lineup (surfer lingo for who's up next.) As I was waiting for the next set of waves to come in, I noticed that the anchor had broken loose. I started listening to the surfers around me talking about a boat load of bitchin' babes that were in trouble. I casually paddled over, jumped in the boat, and rode into surfer folklore as the surfer that saved a boat load of beautiful women that dragged him off and later ravaged him.
Ain't folklore's great? After I took the boatload of hot chicks back to the Disneyland hotel, I invited them to a multi stake dance that night. They accepted and I picked them up that night. Your mom looked soooo good. But I was still calling her Sister Tanner. I barely had a chance to dance with her. During the night, I needed to go outside and get a breath of fresh air. I got outside feeling just a little frustrated that I would never have a shot at a girl as beautiful as Sister Tanner. She could have any guy she wanted. As I was standing there lost in frustration, Sister Tanner, who had already been outside, walked up to me and said hi. During the car ride home, I took a chance and told her that if she lived closer, I would love to date her. She responded "That would be nice." But my gut told me I wouldn't see her again. I dropped them off at the hotel and said goodbye for what I thought would be the last time.
One month later, one of the American soldiers that I baptized invited me up for his wedding in the Salt Lake Temple so I called Sister Tanner and asked if I could come visit, good thing for me, she agreed.
So I went to the marriage in the morning, stopped by the mother of one of my companions in the afternoon and asked her for information on a good place to eat. I showed up at Grandpa's house in the evening. I guess I was early because Mom was just betting back from jogging to JoAn's house. I had borrowed my sister Helen's little Karman Ghia. You sit really low in this car and since I already sit close to the ground, she hoped that I would just disappear. No way, not after a 600 mile trip. I came back later and she was all spiffed up. It was then that I met Grandma for the first time. She was cool, but cordial. I took Sister Tanner to an upscale restaurant in Salt Lake City. It was called Victoria Station. It was over dinner that she told me that one time on a date, she dropped a whole salad in her lap. On the way home we listened to Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young's song "Our House." We talked about what we wanted in a family some day. We both wanted 12 kids, but having you 4 wised us up a little. Just before we got back to Roy, I opened the glove box and gave her a single red rose. By this point, your Mom had me thoroughly whooped... I was head over heals in love with her. We had the one date and I headed back home the next day. All I could think of from that moment on was your Mom. I didn't think I even had a chance. I thought she was just being nice to me because we were fellow missionaries from the same mission. After I returned home, I continued dating a girl name Lynn Tennis. I liker her because she was the only girl I knew that enjoyed studying the Dead Sea Scrolls with me. One day when I came home from work, Helen came up to me and said Bill, please don't do it! I said "Do what??" She then said Lynn had asked her to be a bridesmaid in her wedding to me. This surprised me a little since I had not asked her to marry me. It was then that my sister Helen did the best thing that she has ever done for me. ...TO BE CONTINUED..."

That's all Dad ever got to. It took him a whole day to type it with one hand (one finger really.) Dad loved Mom so much. He always told us how lucky a guy he was and how she could have had any guy she wanted.

The rest of the story to come later...

Brother Down! and other temple favorites.

One of my dad's favorite things of all time was the temple. Arguably the thing that made him happier than anything else in this life was when he was able to go to the temple with all of his children. He circled all of his children in a big hug in the celestial room and said that there was no greater accomplishment than that in his life. He would have been so happy to see Alicia go on to marry Ryan and David go on to marry Britta Bergstrom, but he will soon enough.

Now Dad was always interesting to go to the temple with. Here's one of my favorite stories as told by my mom when Davide first went through to take out his endowments.

"... The only thing David had to say for sure about the temple is that Dad isn't allowed in there anymore. I don't know if you can blame the stroke or not but since then he has become very careless about where he chooses to pass gas and he certainly doesn't try to keep them quiet anymore. Any time he strains trying to stand up or something out they rip. He ripped two or three more really loud ones in the temple and even David was so ashamed. Grandpa poked him in the ribs with his elbow in disapproval. Poor Dad. But I agree with David. He probably needs to be banned from the temple.
Let me tell you what happened last Friday. Michelle and I and your Dad decided to go do a session in the temple. Well, it takes Dad a really long time to get dressed and up to the chapel and he has a hard time walking all the snow and ice. So we dropped him off at the door of the temple and Michelle said, "Okay Dad, we're giving you a head start, let's see if you can get up to the chapel before us." Bad, bad thing to say to him. Se w park the car, go in the temple, get dressed and head on up to the chapel. We still wait another 15-20 minutes for Dad. Eventually he comes hobbling in with his "I did a bad thing" face. He sits down between the 2 of us and mumbles, "Competition isn't a good thing in the temple" Then he proceeds to tell us the whole sad story. As he was in his booth in the locker room trying to change, he was hurrying and lost his balance and fell down. He only had his white shirt and garment bottoms on. As he fell he slid along the wall and it pulled his bottoms down below his butt. He then fell on the door on his bad arm. He is on the floor and can't get up! There is a temple worker outside his door who sees that he has fallen and starts yelling, yes yelling, no quiet temple voice here, as loud as he can "BROTHER DOWN, BROTHER DOWN!!!!!" He probably yelled hit 9 times! Pretty soon Dad looks out from underneath the booth and there are about 14 feet standing there. Every temple worker from a 5 mile radius had come running! They couldn't get in to help him because he was laying against the door blocking it from opening. So they are just shoving on the door as hard as they can trying to get in to help him but they are only hitting him hard on the head each time they try to push the door open! Itwas pretty comical. Poor Dad. He is so humble and has such a great send of humor that he can laugh suchthings off.
He eventually makes it upstairs and he heads into the session. He has to ask the temple workers for help during the session because he can't put his temple clothes on by himself without his left arm. So an older gentleman sits down next to him and helps him throughout the session with his clothes. Pretty soon Dad is looking over at Michelle and I and pulling funny faces and nodding toward the man next to him. I couldn't figure out what he was trying to say. After the session he told us that L. Tom Perry, the apostle, was the gentleman siting next to him, helping him! It was pretty neat. He came and found Dad afterward in the locker room and talked to him. Dad was able to ask him it was alright for him to go up to the prayer circle without being able to do all the things with his left arm. It is something that Dad has felt really bad about. Bro. Perry said of course it was okay so tonight he went up with Michelle while I was with David. It was great. "

the trouble with clothes.

Dad certainly had problems with clothing. He once came home from the bowling alley with the bowling shoes still on! He claimed they were just so comfortable he hadn't noticed until he went to take them off that night!
He was heading to the temple once and had his shirt and tie on, he'd shaved, put on his black socks leg brace and church shoes, he'd gathered his temple bag and recommend and made his way to the front door when luckily somebody (probly Mom) stopped him and asked if he was missing anything.... LIKE PANTS! Seriously!
Another time he was complaining about difficulty getting his pants off going to the bathroom only to realize he had two belts on. How do you even do that?
He loved to wear the same three or four sweaters over and over with that dirty old Browning hat which was half sun-bleached and half preserved from sitting on his dashboard. I once gifted him a huge University of Utah sweatshirt despite his hatred for the U because I knew he'd wear it anyway! Sure enough he wore it til his dying day.
The old man has showed up to with one church shoe and one sneaker, different colored socks and possibly worse of all.... the dreaded pickle pants.

But my favorite dad story having to do with clothing is how he'd always wander around with just his garments on even when strangers or visitors were home. Mom writes this one to us when we were on our missions:
" Well I best be going. What's that you say? Just one crazy dad story? Okay, if you insist. I have time for just one crazy dad story. I swear your father is getting loonier by the minute. The other night he came walking out in his garments. Surprise, surprise huh. Not like that is something he did before.... huh? Anyway, he is still strutting around in his underwear but does it all the time in front of Michelle and her friends. So long story short I looked down at him and though Hmmmm something doesn't look right. Actually his garments seemed a little more sheer than usual and then I realized that he had his garments on backwards. I said "Dear, why are your garments on backwards??" He looked down and with a surprised look said "No wonder I have had a such a hard time going to the bathroom all day! I could never find the opening!" Let me tell you, never a dull moment!"

pants you like a turtle!

more famous words were never said! Here's the story as told by Mom:

"He is still as entertaining as ever. The other night he and David were going at each other as usual. (just teasing each other nothing serious) David made some idle threat to Dad and Dad came back with "Oh yeah?, well I'll pants you like a turtle!!"We had to pick Deedle up off the floor he was laughing so hard. It totally disarmed him! It has become our new favorite saying around here."

practical jokes

Possible Dad's favorite thing ever would be practical jokes. He lived to trick people. Take this letter I got for example. It caused all sorts trouble when I responded to it believing his lie!

"Hello Elder Sparks,
I miss you face. They are still trying to kill me here. Almost daily. I fthey would leave me alone I'd probably get it done myself. Ha Ha! We loved you letter. Aint you glad you did this? You did it all on your own. HOT GOSSIP!! I caught Michelle making out with Paul Perkins! YUK! Ugly red headed grand babies! ..."

It seriously took weeks for people to realize it was one of dad's pranks.
My favorite prank he ever pulled though was when he was really sick and had been in the hospital. He had just gotten back and Mom's friends and family hadn't heard exactly what happened, only something about Bill needing to go to the hospital and it being serious. He saw all their questions and concerns in Mom's email. So what does he do? Put their hearts at ease and let them know he was gonna be OK?
no no no, not my dad. He instead replies to EVERYONE who already were fearing the worst "Please send flowers! This has all happened so fast!"
Everyone was convinced the old man had actually died! One person called and when Dad answered she thought that it was my mom's parents there consoling her so she immediately hung up and freaked out even more!

Dad was a jokester alright. He often ended his letters to me with "The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated"

Dave Libhard shared this hilarious story with me on my mission:
"Your dad has stories like this one... He was the best missionary I ever taught. And I taught missionaries for 8 years while I was in Provo. I probably taught more missionaries than anyone else in the history of the church (Pride goeth before the fall, so I'll stop here but you get the idea) I really don't know how he did it. Seems like ever time he wrote to me he was putting on the whites to go get somebody wet-- and that was Southern Germany, land of the hard hearts. I don't think Bill ever understood that German-speaking missionaries were "special"-- they were to go knock on doors and plant seeds, but not baptize. As usual, your pa did things his way-- he just loved everyone and then baptized their heinies. What a dude... He was incredible. At one point I thought he was copying names off the headstones of dead folk in the cemeteries so he could claim he had baptized them and then they died. He's not above that kind of thing you know. And the mission pres loved him... "Elder Sparks this; Elder Sparks that" He was the kind of missionary you got tired of hearing about. The mission president's Liebling... can you guess what that means??? ...
... Bill is always playing pranks on me. Is this another one of his pranks (refering to Alicia being in such a cushy mission). Are you like a cheerleader for real missionaries? One time... and this must have lasted about a year... I would get messages on my answering machine from "Special Agent Halversen" Get this: I'd come home from work, and I'd play my messages and I'd hear something like this: "Yes Mr. Libbert [he'd purposely mispronounce my name], this is Special Agent Halversen. We need to talk. I'll be in touch. " Click. That went on for a year!! Special Agents work for the CIA! I was dying a slow death. Who was this Halversen guy? His tone was serious as death. I got really excited because I though maybe the CIA needed my help withsomething, or that maybe I could get a job as an undercover agent or something.
But ... hehehe.. I got him back. Big time. He'll never mess with me again. I'll let him explain how I dissed him "

AND we all wonder WHERE we get our practical jokes from? The master that's where.